I Want To Play Champions League Football - Let's Build A Team!

It's that time of year again when they break out the coloured balls and show them off to everyone across Europe. No, I'm not talking about summer season at Manumission, rather the draws for both the Champions League qualifying rounds and the UEFA Cup.

Is it only me who misses the Cup Winner's Cup? I always preferred it to the UEFA Cup, because it had handles. All cups should have handles. Except ones you put down your pants when you're about to face a fast bowler. It just never had the prestige, did it? But basically, that's what the UEFA Cup is now. The Cup Winner's Cup Plus. Imagine the orientation day if you’re Portsmouth:

"How did you get here?"

"I won the FA Cup. How about yourself?"

 "Fair Play League."

"Ah. Well, I've got to go off and talk to that Welsh team over there. They didn't win anything or do anything of any note last year, but they do pay their TV licence on time."

See what I mean? The UEFA Cup? The Poo-EFA Cup, more like. Of course, I'm keeping my fingers crossed my own team reach it.

But since was Europe the be-all and end-all? If you've seen some of the dross that's been entered for the qualifying rounds for both tournaments, you wouldn't be so chuffed about winning the Scottish Cup. Or the Swiss League. Or the Greek Shield.

An Andorran team is in the Champions League qualifiers. They won't get there of course, but how can they? I'm sticking my neck out here and going for the probability that they suck, big time.

And it got me thinking, in a Top Gear challenge kind of way, why don't we enter? Football Fans United, I mean. All we need is a couple of decent players and some cheap flights and we'll be sorted. We'll fly over to Andorra, or Luxembourg, or the Faroes every Saturday, put some sheep farmers to the sword with our wiles and ways, and before you know it, top of the league.

That way, this time next year, we'll be entered in the Champions League! Don't knock it - look at the teams we could meet in the second qualifying round. Rangers, Linfield, Aalborg, some Bulagrians...the list goes on. And we'll be playing in the same competition as all those players who "need to be playing Champions League football at this stage of my career." I'm 27 and I have a crap job. I need Champions League football at this stage of my career too.

Gareth Barry and Robbie Keane are chancers. They claim to want Champions League football. But they want the poncey, prestigious, televised rounds. I want proper, grassroots Champions League, when it really matters. And we can achieve that together. Let's away to Andorra, and show Europe what we're made of! Are you with me?!

And by the way, I've got a bit of a bad back, so I'll go on the wing.

Chris Stanley

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