I’m Going To Sue West Ham United – They Ruined My Life!
Dispatches
from the front-line this morning informed me that Sheffield United’s players
are thinking of suing West Ham United because when they got relegated at the
end of the 2006/7 season, they lost some earnings. Well, I want in. West Ham United,
it can be proved, are responsible for most of the disappointments in my life
but I’ve never had the confidence to say so before.
I’d
like to start at the beginning. When I was two years old, way back in 1983
(it’s a year, look it up), my parents might have wanted to take me on my first
foreign holiday to some exotic clime, say Orlando or Jakarta. Only they
couldn’t. They didn’t have the money. And do you know why? It wasn’t Thatcher
or the Falklands War. It was because of Trevor Brooking and Ron Greenwood. If
Brooking’s cross to Kevin Keegan in the World Cup match at Espana ’82 had been
a bit less accurate, a bit less inviting, Kevin Keegan might have been so
shocked he hadn’t received it right on his forehead and bundled it in. The fact
Keegan missed meant Hammers legend Ron Greenwood’s side didn’t reach the World
Cup semi-finals, which in turn depressed the British nation, meaning fewer
highly paid jobs became available, which meant my parents could only afford to
buy a deckchair. I still can’t tan very well. For emotional distress and loss
of holiday due to West Ham’s destructive influence, I claim the sum of
£900,564.
Next
up we’ve got November 1986. Alex Ferguson leaves Aberdeen and joins Manchester
United after Ron Atkinson is sacked. The previous season United had finished a
disappointing fourth in the First Division, behind…West Ham. Tony Cottee and
Frank McAvennie scored too many goals. Had United made up the gap and beaten
the Hammers, Ron Atkinson’s job might have been safe, Alex Ferguson might have
been offered the Aston Villa job, Villa might not have been relegated the
following season and United might now be languishing in the Coca-Cola League
Two. For depression and making everybody outside of Surrey very angry indeed,
I’m claiming six million.
1993.
A girl at school I was hoping to cop off with saw me wearing a Villa shirt on
non-uniform day. ‘Is that a West Ham shirt?’ she asked. I lost interest.
£40,000 for the lost snog, £2 million for the insult.
1999-2000.
West Ham beat Villa in the League Cup. Only they fielded a cup-tied player
called Manny Omoyimni. The tie had to be replayed. Tickets for replays don’t
grow on trees, you know. That’s £25 I could have spent on beer in the student
union, thereby losing me some precious but hazy memories. £300,000 for me to go
back to university and act up in a childish fashion.
2006.
FA Cup Final. I hate Liverpool. £55 million, please.
There
are just so many things to blame them for – this is but a small cross section.
The way some people call it ‘The Academy of Football’. The way morons say “we
won the World Cup”. The unleashing of Julian Dicks on the Premier League. That
rude song about Michael Jackson and his chimp. The fact they keep maiming Dean
Ashton. The dropped aitches. It’s a tapestry of hurt, broken dreams and
disappointment.
Never
mind all of the above things were really my problem. If Sheffield United can
blame them for loads of stuff because of an administrative cover-up, so can I
for things they didn’t even know could affect me. Cynics might say that West
Ham are not responsible for keeping my house in order, but I would say this –
Sheffield United, despite hanging around the relegation zone for most of the
season, cannot blame themselves for their poor season-wide performance. All
those losses and dropped points were not their fault. Of course not. Because
then they would have been partly responsible for their own relegation. That’s
just rubbish.
It
was West Ham. It always is. Carlos Tevez (note the lack of the innocent Javier
Mascherano in Sheffield United’s claims) might have driven the final nail in,
but it all points to a conspiracy against the Blades. So in the way that all
wronged people do these days, they sue, sue, sue. Never mind that it was
claimed the FA hearing was about ‘the principle’. Neil Warnock says £30 million
isn’t nearly enough considering the dishonour on his CV. When Warnock talks
about feeling a fool, you know it’s serious.
So
when West Ham are in the gutter (looking at the stars, presumably the Olympic
ones after they move stadia) after paying £900 million to various injured
parties that don’t exactly want for regular cash, they can look back and wonder
just where they went wrong. Yes, they lied through their bum-hole. But
Reading’s players didn’t speak up after “the goal that never was”. Roy Carroll
didn’t tell Mark Clattenburg that Pedro Mendes’ lob actually crossed the line.
Geoff Hurst didn’t really get that hat-trick (come on, admit it). Every
weekend, to varying degrees, sides and officials are conned in order for the
other side to get the right result. West Ham’s case might still be emitting
worms as we speak, but had Carlos Tevez played and not scored, do you still
think anybody would be arsed? No. West Ham would have been relegated and nobody
would care until some investigative journo produced a programme for Panorama.
I
sympathise with Sheffield United. Can’t be easy explaining to your kids why you
said you’d be able to afford both a trip to Disneyland and a Nintendo Wii, only
to renege due to a broken rule. But I fail to see the logic – if they claim
Tevez was worth a meagre three points to West Ham, then shouldn’t it follow a
further win for Sheffield United would have guaranteed their own club safety? Surely
this is a smokescreen for their own lack of Premier League experience?
Cue
the comments from irate fans of all sides. I don’t care. Both sides are in the
wrong for differing reasons. £30 million is greedy, and anybody earning over
four figures a week should not be complaining about lost earnings. But then
again, aren’t rules there to be broken?
Chris Stanley
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