I’m Going To Sue West Ham United – They Ruined My Life!

Dispatches from the front-line this morning informed me that Sheffield United’s players are thinking of suing West Ham United because when they got relegated at the end of the 2006/7 season, they lost some earnings. Well, I want in. West Ham United, it can be proved, are responsible for most of the disappointments in my life but I’ve never had the confidence to say so before.

I’d like to start at the beginning. When I was two years old, way back in 1983 (it’s a year, look it up), my parents might have wanted to take me on my first foreign holiday to some exotic clime, say Orlando or Jakarta. Only they couldn’t. They didn’t have the money. And do you know why? It wasn’t Thatcher or the Falklands War. It was because of Trevor Brooking and Ron Greenwood. If Brooking’s cross to Kevin Keegan in the World Cup match at Espana ’82 had been a bit less accurate, a bit less inviting, Kevin Keegan might have been so shocked he hadn’t received it right on his forehead and bundled it in. The fact Keegan missed meant Hammers legend Ron Greenwood’s side didn’t reach the World Cup semi-finals, which in turn depressed the British nation, meaning fewer highly paid jobs became available, which meant my parents could only afford to buy a deckchair. I still can’t tan very well. For emotional distress and loss of holiday due to West Ham’s destructive influence, I claim the sum of £900,564.

Next up we’ve got November 1986. Alex Ferguson leaves Aberdeen and joins Manchester United after Ron Atkinson is sacked. The previous season United had finished a disappointing fourth in the First Division, behind…West Ham. Tony Cottee and Frank McAvennie scored too many goals. Had United made up the gap and beaten the Hammers, Ron Atkinson’s job might have been safe, Alex Ferguson might have been offered the Aston Villa job, Villa might not have been relegated the following season and United might now be languishing in the Coca-Cola League Two. For depression and making everybody outside of Surrey very angry indeed, I’m claiming six million.

1993. A girl at school I was hoping to cop off with saw me wearing a Villa shirt on non-uniform day. ‘Is that a West Ham shirt?’ she asked. I lost interest. £40,000 for the lost snog, £2 million for the insult.

1999-2000. West Ham beat Villa in the League Cup. Only they fielded a cup-tied player called Manny Omoyimni. The tie had to be replayed. Tickets for replays don’t grow on trees, you know. That’s £25 I could have spent on beer in the student union, thereby losing me some precious but hazy memories. £300,000 for me to go back to university and act up in a childish fashion.

2006. FA Cup Final. I hate Liverpool. £55 million, please.

There are just so many things to blame them for – this is but a small cross section. The way some people call it ‘The Academy of Football’. The way morons say “we won the World Cup”. The unleashing of Julian Dicks on the Premier League. That rude song about Michael Jackson and his chimp. The fact they keep maiming Dean Ashton. The dropped aitches. It’s a tapestry of hurt, broken dreams and disappointment.

Never mind all of the above things were really my problem. If Sheffield United can blame them for loads of stuff because of an administrative cover-up, so can I for things they didn’t even know could affect me. Cynics might say that West Ham are not responsible for keeping my house in order, but I would say this – Sheffield United, despite hanging around the relegation zone for most of the season, cannot blame themselves for their poor season-wide performance. All those losses and dropped points were not their fault. Of course not. Because then they would have been partly responsible for their own relegation. That’s just rubbish.

It was West Ham. It always is. Carlos Tevez (note the lack of the innocent Javier Mascherano in Sheffield United’s claims) might have driven the final nail in, but it all points to a conspiracy against the Blades. So in the way that all wronged people do these days, they sue, sue, sue. Never mind that it was claimed the FA hearing was about ‘the principle’. Neil Warnock says £30 million isn’t nearly enough considering the dishonour on his CV. When Warnock talks about feeling a fool, you know it’s serious.

So when West Ham are in the gutter (looking at the stars, presumably the Olympic ones after they move stadia) after paying £900 million to various injured parties that don’t exactly want for regular cash, they can look back and wonder just where they went wrong. Yes, they lied through their bum-hole. But Reading’s players didn’t speak up after “the goal that never was”. Roy Carroll didn’t tell Mark Clattenburg that Pedro Mendes’ lob actually crossed the line. Geoff Hurst didn’t really get that hat-trick (come on, admit it). Every weekend, to varying degrees, sides and officials are conned in order for the other side to get the right result. West Ham’s case might still be emitting worms as we speak, but had Carlos Tevez played and not scored, do you still think anybody would be arsed? No. West Ham would have been relegated and nobody would care until some investigative journo produced a programme for Panorama.

I sympathise with Sheffield United. Can’t be easy explaining to your kids why you said you’d be able to afford both a trip to Disneyland and a Nintendo Wii, only to renege due to a broken rule. But I fail to see the logic – if they claim Tevez was worth a meagre three points to West Ham, then shouldn’t it follow a further win for Sheffield United would have guaranteed their own club safety? Surely this is a smokescreen for their own lack of Premier League experience?

Cue the comments from irate fans of all sides. I don’t care. Both sides are in the wrong for differing reasons. £30 million is greedy, and anybody earning over four figures a week should not be complaining about lost earnings. But then again, aren’t rules there to be broken?

Chris Stanley