Why Can't All Transfer Deals Go As Smoothly As This?

Can we have a whip round and get some players transferred, please? This has been the longest, most drawn out, tedious load of bobbins close-season since football was first invented. It's been dominated by Big Four transfers, which we always knew it would be, but why the hell have they decided to be come so thrifty all of a sudden?

I know there's a credit crunch. I know an individual grain of rice now costs 76p. I know all footballers are worried about the plight of Zimbabwe, but dammit, can't we be a bit more selfish? I'm actually running a marathon in a couple of days, from the centre of New York to a point twenty-six miles outside New York. Not because there's an event on. Just because I'm being sponsored. I'm going to give the money to Rafa Benitez, so he can finally buy a player instead of window shopping. He's like those annoying people who come into shops or libraries, make you get everything off the shelves, umms-and-aahs and then decides he's supposed to be cutting back this month. You're only supposed to be boycotting the cream doughnuts, Rafa!

I'm sick of long, drawn-out transfer deals. Clubs are squabbling over pocket change like two kids fronting in the playground. They were usually the blockheaded ones who couldn't listen to reason. Then there were the weedy mates at the sides, snickering and chucking in random insults, safe in the knowledge that while they encourage the fight, they won't have to get involved. They go on to become football agents.

It's simple. I am sending the FA a flow chart of the perfect transfer deal. It begins:

Have you picked up telephone reciever? Y/N. If Y, then dial player's club. If N, pick up telephone or nobody will be able to hear you.

Has anybody answered? Y/N. If Y, say 'I would like to buy insert player's name here. Is he for sale?'. If N, hang up phone and dial again, while messing with Newton's cradle in club colours while sighing occasionally.

Is player for sale? Y/N. If Y, say 'Very well. How much would you like for insert player's name here?' If N, say 'I'm sorry I wasted your time. I promise you will never hear from me again over this matter.' Under no circumstances phone The Sun and tell them that the player cold-called you and sobbed about how he really wants to move to your club.

Have you been given a monetary figure? Y/N. If Y, say 'I will have to speak to my chairman. Thank you very much.' Hang up telephone. Under no circumstances shout 'Eighteen million for an overweight Welshman with a gimpy leg and a trial for sexual harrassment coming up!? You must be Radio Rental!' If N, hang up telephone. Transfer deal officially over. DO NOT RING AGAIN. Visit Beatles Experience now you have a spare afternoon.

Speak to chairman. Does he agree with the valuation? Y/N. If Y, ask him to submit a formal bid and contact his lawyers to finalise paperwork. Breathe sigh of relief. If N, do not ask chairman to go outside to public telephone box, shanghai first available teenager into phoning a tabloid, and get him to make up a story not even Jeffrey Archer would find convincing.

Has player signed for your club? Y/N. If Y, pose awkwardly behind player with club scarf and wait until the cameras have gone before lighting up biggest cigar in history. If N, it is not acceptable to be photographed at endless press conferences with an enigmatic but unmistakably smug grin in the sure knowledge that player will now be at loggerheads with his current manager, team-mates and board.

If all transfers followed that system, we'd be set for an exciting summer. I might try and solve world hunger next.

Chris Stanley