Film

After I had packed in full-time work to write for a living, I was convinced it would only be a matter of time before I was plucked from obscurity. So the World Cup book had failed, so what? I had my new novel to fall back on, and I was submitting things left, right and centre. I had a little job at the local hospital, and was getting free CDs whenever I wanted them.

Basically, I was carving a writing career as if I was an eternal student. I was writing but not networking, taking all of those ‘exposure’ jobs that somebody living with their parents would be more than happy with. Except I was twenty-six, living in a flat above a butcher’s shop in an increasingly fractious relationship. So what could be better for my future than taking another job where I got paid only in what I reviewed, but something where I had to sit in one place and concentrate? Why, yes, I’ll review your films!

I only reviewed for a site called Cinedelica. They asked me to submit a sample review, included below, and then every now and again I would be asked if I wanted to review particular things. I always said yes, and consequently watched some absolute shit. As you can tell by the handful of reviews below from the several dozen I received, Cinedelica wasn’t interested in Citizen Kane, but that doesn’t mean they wanted trash.

It also doesn’t mean I gave it to them. I had never been a film critic and never considered myself to be one, but I researched, read the press releases, watched the films and the extras, and did my best. It was always doomed to be a slight failure because I don’t have film in my soul the way that proper movie critics do, but it was a strange diversion and quite fun while it lasted. I’m not sure I’ve ever watched any of these films (bar La Haine and Funny Games) again. 

La Haine/Funny Games (test review, previously unpublished)

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